Whoopi Goldberg’s Poop Defense Is A Masterclass in Political Priorities

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In a recent episode of “The View,” Whoopi Goldberg returned from a holiday hiatus with a declaration that surely sets a new standard for political endorsements. Addressing the criticism faced by President Joe Biden following his lackluster performance in the first 2024 election debate against Donald Trump, Goldberg put forth a defense that is nothing short of revolutionary: even if Biden “pooped his pants,” he would still have her unwavering support.

Yes, folks, we have reached the zenith of political discourse. Goldberg’s impassioned plea for loyalty to Biden, regardless of his alleged incontinence, has given us a new yardstick by which to measure presidential performance. The bar has been set so low, it’s practically subterranean.

Goldberg’s reasoning is as follows: bodily functions should not disqualify someone from holding the highest office in the land. After all, we all have our “poopy days.” The logic here is impeccable. If we start judging our leaders based on their bathroom habits, where does it end? Will we scrutinize their flossing techniques next?

Goldberg’s statement, “I don’t care if he’s pooped his pants, I don’t care if he can’t put a sentence together. Show me he can’t do the job, and I’ll say, okay, maybe it’s time to go,” sets a refreshingly lenient standard. It’s a call for us to overlook minor details like coherent speech and personal hygiene in favor of a broader assessment of job performance.

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Goldberg’s loyalty is admirable. She reminded viewers that Biden had overcome previous setbacks, such as a shaky debate performance against Kamala Harris, to serve four years as president. If he could bounce back from that, surely a little accident during a debate is no cause for concern. “I have poopy days all the time,” Goldberg confessed, making her relatable to the average American who, presumably, also has their fair share of fecal faux pas.

Her assertion that “If I’m wrong, I’m wrong, but I’m willing to take that shot because, as I said, I’d rather all his teeth fell out and he pooped his pants and he had to roll across the street than choose a man who I know is out to destroy the country that I grew up believing in,” is a stirring testament to her commitment. It’s a rare moment of clarity in the murky waters of political endorsements.

Goldberg’s cohost, Alyssa Farah Griffin, expressed concerns about Biden’s ability to beat Trump and serve another term. Griffin’s worries, grounded in reality and a desire for effective leadership, were gently rebuffed by Goldberg, who insisted that Biden remains the best choice, fecal incidents notwithstanding.

Griffin’s pragmatic approach highlighted a significant point: the American people deserve a president who can perform their duties without raising questions about their mental and physical fitness. However, in the spirit of Goldberg’s argument, perhaps we should all take a more relaxed approach. After all, nobody’s perfect.

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The reaction to Goldberg’s defense has been mixed. Some viewers appreciated her honesty and unwavering support for Biden, while others were left scratching their heads, wondering if this is the level of discourse we should aspire to. It’s a debate that’s sure to rage on, much like the ongoing saga of Biden’s candidacy.

Whoopi Goldberg has undoubtedly set a new standard in political loyalty. Her willingness to overlook what many would consider basic requirements for the presidency (like the ability to control one’s bowels and speak coherently) in favor of a broader, more forgiving assessment of Biden’s capabilities is a bold move.

In a world where political discourse often descends into the absurd, Goldberg’s comments remind us that sometimes, it’s important to look beyond the surface. Or, in this case, beyond the pants. Whether this approach will resonate with voters remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: Goldberg’s endorsement of Biden, poop and all, will go down in history as a masterclass in unwavering political loyalty.

For those who missed the episode, new installments of “The View” air weekdays at 11 a.m. ET. Tune in for what promises to be an ongoing saga of unprecedented political commentary and unwavering support, no matter what the critics say.