In an astonishingly predictable move, the Boy Scouts of America announced that after 114 years, it would be rebranding to “Scouting America.” Why? Because it seems like they couldn’t wait to bend the knee to the insatiable “woke” crowd. You know, the same crowd that finds microaggressions in cereal boxes and demands safe spaces for their pet gerbils.
Remember when the Boy Scouts stood for tradition, values, and camaraderie? Those days are long gone. Now, the once-iconic institution has embraced a whole new identity in a desperate attempt to placate the social justice warriors of Twitter and Reddit. It’s like watching your granddad swap his prized collection of vintage vinyl for a TikTok account—just because that’s what all the cool kids are doing.
Why the change? Oh, because they wanted to emphasize inclusion. What a noble cause. It’s not like they were facing bankruptcy and a flood of sexual abuse claims, right? Oh, wait. Yeah, that’s exactly what they were dealing with. But hey, let’s forget about that and focus on how the organization that was known for its traditional “boys-only” ethos is now desperate to boost membership by letting in girls, gays, and, heck, probably unicorns too.
Roger Krone, the head honcho at the Boy Scouts—sorry, Scouting America—said they want “any youth in America to feel very, very welcome to come into our programs.” Sure, because nothing says “welcome” like a total identity crisis. They couldn’t just stick to the tried-and-true Boy Scouts name and let it evolve with the times, could they? Nope, they had to throw the baby out with the bathwater and rebrand to something that sounds like a corporate wellness program.
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The timing for the official change? February 8, 2025. That’ll be their 115th birthday—a perfect opportunity to pretend they’ve been all about inclusivity from day one. And don’t even get me started on the Girl Scouts. That group has been throwing shade ever since the Boy Scouts started recruiting girls. You’d think it was a turf war between rival gangs. The Girl Scouts even sued, claiming the Boy Scouts were creating confusion in the marketplace. But a judge settled that, saying both groups can use words like “scouts” and “scouting.” What a relief! Now we can all be equally confused.
Of course, the rebrand hasn’t gone unnoticed. Republican Senator Ted Cruz and Representative Andrew Clyde took to social media to express their disdain, using the word “woke,” which is basically code for “we’re tired of this nonsense.” Clyde even claimed that “wokeness destroys everything it touches.” Can’t argue with that logic. Just look at what’s happened to the Scouts—now they have to pay out $2.4 billion in a bankruptcy reorganization plan to compensate victims of abuse. Not exactly a stellar track record, is it?
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But hey, let’s focus on the positives, right? The Boy Scouts of America, sorry, Scouting America, is now all about inclusion. What a warm and fuzzy feeling. If you ignore the massive financial losses, sexual abuse scandals, and rapidly declining membership, it’s all sunshine and rainbows.
So, here’s to the new, “woke” future of Scouting America. Next up, they might as well replace the traditional merit badges with participation trophies and turn campfires into vegan s’more-making workshops. Who needs tradition when you can have relentless rebranding and a parade of social justice buzzwords? Welcome to the brave new world of scouting, where the only thing that’s certain is that nothing is sacred anymore.
